Today I watched a documentary that unlocked a longing within that I really needed to express. This documentary was about a Sensitive Artist - A Rapper, the journey of his life and what shaped him to be who he is today and the influence his life journey has had on his art and his expression of it. I resonated with so much of his journey and I feel so many sensitive souls would also relate. He did not have a stable father figure but he did have a grandfather he adored and that really took on the role of father. His grandfather would write to him old school - pen to paper letters. When I heard a clip of one of the letters his grandfather sent him at a time he was struggling to find his way I could feel the emotion welling up in my eyes. The voice and guidance of a wise one an elder a mentor an ally that would be there for you no matter what mistakes or wrong turns you make. A voice of deep inner wisdom and truth that pierces the armour, cuts to the core, reaches your soul essence and guides you lovingly back onto the path you came here to walk.
This instantly triggered memories of feeling so isolated and disconnected from the world especially as a teen. Both my parent's had their own shit to deal with and they were so emotionally disconnected from self which in turn meant emotionally disconnected from me. I wished so hard to have a safe place or someone that I could turn to for guidance when my emotions got the better of me but wherever I looked there was no one there. This only caused more despair. I was so concerned with fitting in that I shape shifted into whatever I needed to be in order to be love and accepted. I had no sense of self! I felt so alone!
On the outside, it looked like I had a perfect life but inside I was slowly drowning. I became an expert at being able to hide my inner reality. I wore protective armour and masks that would disguise the pain that suffocated my soul. This time of my life had to be some of my darkest. At 14 I was deep in anxiety and depression and I often entertained the idea of killing myself. One night when I felt pain so deep I wanted it to stop, I actually made my way to the kitchen drawer and pulled out a kitchen knife having the intention of slitting my wrists in the bathroom. As I walked towards the bathroom, a vision of me on the bathroom floor flashed before me it was a horrendous sight, the irony of it all is that my sensitive soul the part of me that felt so deeply, the part that I saw as my enemy was the very thing that saved me that night. After seeing the vision I also tapped into what it would feel like as a parent to find your child in this way and that was the deciding factor that did not allow me to go through with it, I just couldn't imagine the pain my parents would feel.
That night a knowing made itself known to me. A feeling in my heart that I would one day be a mentor/safe place/guide that someone could turn to as they navigate the world. I would become what I sought so desperately and what I needed the most. I would one day share my experience in service to the next generation so they don't have to needlessly suffer.
Today this knowing has never been more true! This is exactly the work that I have committed myself to. The tears I cried watching this documentary were tears of validating, recognizing and grieving for what my inner child desperately longed for, confirmation of what this society desperately needs, and also an acknowledgment that I am living this knowing.
Society's systems as we know it are crumbling, there is a call to come back into the harmony of life in the way our ancestors just knew how to do but also making it our own. We have veered so far off course and we are all being asked to come back into alignment with the natural world. These days there is a separation between the generations and judgment towards each other. This documentary reminded me that we were not meant to do this alone we were meant to share with one another to gather and to pass on knowledge and wisdom that would continue to support the natural balance of life and the harmony that I know so many are seeking. I long for the days where generations can be in the same room and learn from one another instead of being in judgment of one another.
I know how much it would have made my own life easier to have someone that encouraged me, guided me, and offered words of wisdom when I doubted myself.
It's a big mission and something I am deeply passionate about. I don't know if it is my role to take on or there is a part I am to be playing, I just know that it is needed. I know I walk amongst soul family who are tethered to the same original intention. I call in those who also feel this deeply to step into playing the role you chose to play this lifetime so this vision of a harmonious world we can build together!
Please let me know your thoughts & experiences or if you can relate?
With Love & Grattitude,
Photo Credit: Rod Long from Unsplash